Tired Cow

Frequently, recently I find myself too tired to read or reflect. This comes at a time I am trying to increase my reading and reflection time. I find myself turning on the TV to watch the “least objectionable” show.

I think my mind, and thus my body, is adjusting to winter, the lack of sun and being outside and a new awareness that has come with the dark shadows of my son’s death. I do not know what to do except drink more coffee, sleep more and wait it out. I want to be more awake but not numb myself from feelings.

However, my writing has stay with me, albeit slower and perhaps less creative. This ‘Diary of a Worm’ started off as an ‘observation diary’, one that notices a small thing in daily life and sees deeply into it. Some postings I can do that, and others I cannot.

One observation I made today was that my cell phone was strangely quiet, sort of like I am these days. Tonight after dinner I took a look at the phone and saw why. I had put it in vibrate mode for Church this morning and had forgot to turn it back on to sound. Actually I had only received one call today, from a very sick friend who has been in pain for many years. She left a message this morning saying how bad she felt today and that she was waiting for a return call from her doctor. When I called her back this evening she did not answer and so I left a message. She is either sleeping or in the hospital, since she rarely gets out of her apartment except for doctor appointments.

Observing her, living in pain for all these years, makes it easier for me to bear this tiredness. Hopefully her pain will pass, as will my tiredness. I choose being tired over pain any day.

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